Friday, December 7, 2007


It may be surprising to the 0.1% of my readership that doesn't know me personally, but for all the fucking I do, I'm kinda ugly. I'm moderately overweight (and all in the belly, not in the tits and ass, so you can't even call me "curvy"), and I don't really make up for it in the face. I'm not comedy ugly, but if you saw me on the street and thought about it, you might figure I don't get laid much.

Of course, the truth is I get as much sex as I have time for. Brandon confessedly likes 'em chubby (oh, so he does have a kink, sort of--that's reassuring), and Jon doesn't really like the way I look but can accept it for the sake of a clean-living, intelligent 22-year-old who can take a flogging like a champ.

The guys are pretty damn ugly themselves, not that I care. I don't really go for good-looking. It's not sour grapes or low standards; it's just different standards. I may overlook beer bellies and odd-shaped faces, but I'm a merciless snob for funny, independent, and smart. And it's only gotten more so over the years. As the average lean muscle mass of my lovers has approached zero, the proportion of them with articles in national publications has approached one.

Call me a rationalizing uggo, but I've never found that my partner's appearance affects my sexual experience. Once I'm naked with someone, it's physical skills that matter. I don't have a more intense orgasm because I'm looking at a pretty face. (Half the time I'm looking at the pillow or the inside of a blindfold anyway...) I've fucked skinny and I've fucked fat, I've fucked track star and I've fucked web designer, and you know what? The fat web designer knows what to do with his hands.

I don't really worry about my appearance with the guys anymore. On our first dates I was insane about it, oh my God they'll take one look and very politely tell me "I'm just not feeling that connection", but then both our first dates ended in sex and invitations to second dates. After that I felt a little more sure of myself. It's only now, when I'm faced with meeting more new people, that I'm insecure again.

I'm smart. I'm funny. I'm a good driver. I'm good at medicine. I've got a little shelf full of movies with my name in the credits and literary journals with my poetry in them. I fuck like there's no fucking tomorrow. I'm all that and a bag of chips, man. But I ain't pretty. And sometimes I feel like pretty is everything.

Too damn bad I had to be a chick, huh?


  1. I wanna do you anyway.
    And you may have had track stars and web designers, but just you wait til you've had a _Hitchhikers'_ quoting lifeguard.
    :-), Whether you think you are physically beautiful or not, I think you're super cute, both physically (from what I've seen) and personality wise completely. Looks are only genetics, we can't help our genes but we can help how we present ourselves. And the way you present yourself is beautiful thought and through.

  2. Dorkie - D'awww, you're nice. (And pretty! Both the regular way and the beautiful-on-the-inside way.)

  3. A few things occur to me after reading this.

    * You don't seem to work at your appearance. You may not be Venus born from sea foam, but judicious makeup and hair styling might make a difference if you were willing to put in the effort.

    * Pretty people don't necessarily succeed at dating. Tonight I listened to a gorgeous friend complain about having a hard time meeting good men. She attracts abusers and seems to put up with them for far too long.

    * Very few, very lucky people get exactly the partner they want. There's only one David Beckham/Angelina Jolie/Dame Edna, and even if he or she is extremely promiscuous, the vast majority of people will have to make do with something else. And even those idols have their flaws. (Apparently Jolie's farts smell like pickled skunk asses stuffed with burning tires).

    * Not everyone wants those idols anyway. Brandon likes 'em chubby, you like 'em "ugly," some guys go for amputees, some women like hairy backs, etc. Even if your drive weren't enough to snag you a man, someone would want you.

    1. Excellent critique!

  4. Bruno - I do my makeup and hair, I'm just terrible at them. Particularly hair--the natural texture of my hair is seriously wooly, and twenty minutes of straightening and product transform it all the way to merely disheveled. I have literally not once in my life, even with the aid of professionals and harsh chemicals, been able to make my beautiful ethnic frizz look 100% like Whitey's.

    Makeup I admit I could do more with, I'm just bad at it. Also my motivation is lowered by getting laid all the time. :p

    (I never have any makeup or hairstyling left by the end of a date anyway... )

    And I'm not insecure about attracting anyone, I know I can do that, I'm insecure about looking decent for you and Dorkie. ("I'm willing to lower my standards because there's freaking two of you" would actually not be an insulting response, I can dig that.)

    Feh. I try my damnedest not to make posts to which the only correct response is "those jeans don't make you look fat at all, honey!", but apparently this was one of those times. Sorry.

  5. Make up and hair. That's my specialty. Maybe we could fuck around with it some time, say, for the ball?

  6. Dorkie - Or even earlier than that...

    Hell yeah, if you think you can do anything with me, I'm up for that.

  7. >I'm smart. I'm funny.

    Ugly is in the mind. You're not ugly.