He paused before entering me, his cock almost but not quite touching my pussy. "Do you want this?" he asked, breathily, and waited.
Well, that's a silly question; I was naked on the bed in front of him, face down ass up and spreading myself open for him, and thirty seconds previous I had been sucking his cock. And it could pass for just dirty talk, blending in rather seamlessly with less consequential questions about do I like his big cock and am I a naughty little slut.
But I liked it because it showed beautifully how easy, and how crucial, explicit enthusiastic consent is.
(I should note at this point, because I believe in shades of gray and all that, that not every sexual encounter lacking explicit enthusiastic consent is rape. Just that explicit enthusiastic consent is a really good thing to be sure about if you wish to be a better lover than "not a rapist.")
I could have said yes. I could have said no. I could have said "hang on, let's talk." I had power over what would happen to me.
And I said yes. I said oh yes and rolled my hips back onto his cock and we both gasped a little. I said yes and it was extra sexy because I had the chance to say no. I said yes and then he knew I wanted sex, wanted his cock, wanted him.
Consent isn't just an ugly little prerequisite to sexiness. Consent, breathed out in an "oh yes, oh please yes," is in itself sexy.
Now that right there is hot *fans herself*ReplyDelete
Amen, sister! Well said and VERY well described :) I can't imagine how anyone wouldn't want to really "know" explicitly or implicitly that the person they are about to have sex with really REALLY wants it...bad. You've given a good example of how consent is sexy.ReplyDelete
And yet in my experience women will sometimes get annoyed that I asked. Maybe I ask the wrong way?ReplyDelete
Bruno - It might just be the women; not everyone is quite as sexually enlightened as me.ReplyDelete
Or it might be how you ask - there's a vast difference between "are you sure this is okay?" and "do you want it, baby?"
Seconding that sentiment to Bruno... I've been with guys who keep asking, over and over, "can I do this?" "Is it okay if I do this?" "Are you sure this is okay?" And that just gets aggravating and sucks all the sexy out of the situation (especially if it's, y'know, the fourth time you're hooking up and he's STILL asking for permission to unhook your bra).ReplyDelete
However, the sexy consent like you describe above? Oh yes, that is sexy.
I think safe sex can be SO SEXY, and a lot of people miss that. I LOVE watching a guy put a condom on--the confidence, the handling of his own bits, etc. But that ties into one of my favorite ways for a guy to ask consent--"Should I get a condom?" I love it when I don't have to ask him to please on a rubber. :)
I just have the misfortune of dating really sexist women who feel that a man should "just know" that everything is okay, instinctively. I've even had the horror-show of a woman going totally limp and unresponsive in my arms and then getting pissed off at my failure to "take her." So, I'm gonna call you out again as someone who has the luxury of relatively sane partners, or snarkily say that he asked because he knew the answer.ReplyDelete
Bruno: Do you ask because there aren't enough green lights, or just to be sure? All I know is that I only get laid these days in the presence of active, non-verbal participation. As soon as I ask, it all disappears, and if I have to ask because the participation isn't there, generally I'm just confirming a "No."
...so you'd rather continue doing something you obviously know is unwanted than ask and have your partner verify that you're correct, and she doesn't actually want this? If you're only getting laid when you don't have explicit consent, maybe you shouldn't be "getting laid" at all these days. In a society where 1 in 3 women have been raped, it should not surprise you that it's hard to find women with healthy, positive attitudes towards sex. Having a "sane" partner is not a luxury; if your partner does not seem "sane" to you, how can they possibly be in a state of mind where they're able to give consent?Delete
You're not calling anyone out. You're just seeing what rape culture does to all of us, and blaming women for it.
I think there are very different ways of asking. If it's all about "can" and "okay" it might really get a little annoying for the person asked (especially in ugly German) but it seems to be better to ask if the other person would _like_ it. (Or as in the post, if she _wants_ it.)ReplyDelete
I've gotten into the habit of yelling/moaning "Yes, fuck me, yes," so I'm pretty much vocally consenting through the entire thing. If I stop my really enthusiastic consenting, he knows to ask if something's wrong. Something being off has happened twice, I think, in over a year, so I'd say "yes means yes" as the standard for consent (instead of "no means no") can definitely be sexy and practical.ReplyDelete
Normally I say, "Shall we?" with a raised eyebrow. But if she gets up from the bed, goes and gets a condom, comes back, unwraps it, unrolls it on my erect member, lies down before me, and spreads her legs, I think there may have been occasions I've skipped the verbal step. Does that make me not a gentleman?ReplyDelete
Anon - Okay, I think when implicit consent is really really enthusiastic, that counts just fine.ReplyDelete
This thread makes me happy.ReplyDelete
Thanks, Holly. That's a relief.ReplyDelete
I don't think nonverbal consent is necessarily "implicit". When I ask if you want to do something, and you respond by going ahead and doing it, communication has occurred, and there is very little room for misinterpretation. That means it's explicit, right?ReplyDelete
I'm a Domme, and I've been reading through your archive for awhile now and this is a great place to post this. I've always gotten explicit consent from my subs, don't get me wrong, but since reading your blog I've encorporated a lot more "Do you want ___?"s with different wording and tones. And their voice and tone when they tell me they do, /please/, is amazing. Consent Osnt just important, you taught me how sexy it is. Thanks!ReplyDelete
I used to get annoyed with my now-husband for asking permission for everything, and I always said it was because it "took me out of the moment." I realized a few months into the relationship that it was actually because I still had this connection in my mind between intimacy and pleasure with guilt and shame, and on top of that I'd only ever talked about sex in a negative way. Being an active participant- no matter how badly I wanted to participate- brought on intense feelings of guilt.ReplyDelete
The solution isn't stop asking; the solution is ask why the asking is bothersome, and work through it. Sometimes it means not having sex for a while, or it means taking a break in the middle of things and starting over. If you're with someone who has the problem I had- and I know plenty of other woman who do- just dropping the asking part because it 'kills the mood' is not healthy, nor is it a solution, because the real problem is the guilt, and it won't go away if you don't face it.