Tuesday, April 20, 2010

Dog Catches Car.

I was playing World of Warcraft (yeah, I know...) and out of nowhere I got a message: "Hey baby wanna cyber?" No greeting at all, no preliminary conversation, just a message he's probably sending to every feminine username on the server. And then, in the safe little world of WoW, I decided to do an experiment.

"Sure!" I said.

We met at an inn, went to an upstairs room with a bed, and stood awkwardly on it because it's hard to sit or lie down in WoW. We took our clothes off, which still left us with unremovable underwear. We couldn't touch each other. And we... stood there. Staring.

I was willing, I told him, but since this was his idea he'd better be the one to get us started. So he told me about that he'd take my clothes off, and um, and um, he'd um...

He had no idea. Not the faintest sense of where to begin. It was clear he'd never actually had cybersex before, much less real sex, and although he reassured me he was 19, that's exactly the age I said I was when I was 14. (See, 18 is too obvious, but 19, that's like you picked an age at random, that's totally plausible.) The aggressive, harassing man was very literally a boy.

To his credit, he didn't get angry or disappear when I pointed out the above to him (well, I didn't speculate on his real sex life); he fessed up. He never actually had cybersex before, it just seemed like it would be really fun. He figured that one you get going, you know, the woman takes charge and she types sexy stuff to you.

"So what's in it for her? Why should she go to that trouble for you? That's like having to sit down and write an erotica story by yourself, it's hard work and I'd expect something out of it--sex or companionship or money or something. Why are you worth it?"

Um, um, well, she should, um, don't women just, um, I mean don't women like, um...

*DildoBaggins has logged off*



  1. That's weird...in my random cybersex experiences, guys took too much control. They'd type things like "I suck your nipples and you gasp in ecstasy" and since I'm all about realism I'd type back "No I fucking don't: I don't like having my nipples sucked." And the guy would apologize but then blithely go on writing not only what he was doing to me, but most of my reactions, too.

    What the fuck is the point of cybersex if you ignore the input of the other person? Why not just go jerk off? Bleh. :P

    It seems to me that both of our experiences reflect the mindset of boys who are accustomed to porn - the kind where women are objects with no personality and no will of their own. These poor dumb inexperienced kids think that real-life women are there solely to please them because they haven't met enough real-life women to know any different.

  2. That's a beautiful teaching moment, right there.

  3. ...also, please tell me you made up that username. Please.

  4. I'm glad I put down my glass of iced tea before reading this. It would have wound up on my monitor.

  5. Anon - I actually don't mind the god-mode cyber, leaves my hands free.

    But I agree about the porn thing. I think some guys just don't consider the concept that women might have motivations.

    Aebhel - Yes, that was fake. His real name was DildoBombadil.

  6. Awesome. I think I was about 15 when I had cyber for the first time. I remember nothing about it (apart from who it was with, because we're still internet buddies), except for one telling exchange...

    Me: What's taking so long? Still there?
    Him: People keep walking past.

    I'm pretty sure he knocked one off in the library at college.

  7. Gotta admit, I haven't got the vaguest clue how to have cybersex either. And I'm a software engineer.

  8. Mousie00 - That's fine, as long as you don't go around demanding it from strangers anyway.

  9. Tom Bombadildo?

    I'm never gonna be able to read LotR again.

  10. Did you ever know that you're my hero?