Wednesday, April 7, 2010

How not to write a personal ad.

(I'm actually not doing the craigslist or personal-ad thing right now, I'm more focused on job-hunting and real-life activities, I just got reminded of it and came up with a bunch of post ideas.)

1) Start off by explaining how you're extremely desirable and in-demand and can get it whenever you want it, and you're only single because you're very particular. Also, online dating is for pathetic losers, and you can't believe you're doing this because you're better than that.

2) Express your hatred of your desired gender. Talk about how horrible all your previous partners were and wish harm upon them, and lament how many times you've had to deal with "game players." Explain that most members of your preferred gender are bitches/assholes, but you're hoping against hope that someone won't be.

3) Express your hatred of your own gender. Tell prospective suitors about how all your competitors are bitches/assholes, but you're different, you swear. Describing exactly the kind of "pretty-boy popped-collar douchebag" or "dumb blonde self-centered bimbo" you're not will give you great credibility.

4) List all the things you don't want in a partner, in detail. Get really angry about it too, saying how someone without a college degree or over 30 or a different race isn't just wrong for you, they're gross and nasty. List a whole bunch of disqualifiers; ideally, things you hate should make up the majority of your ad. Don't worry about being offensive--hey, it's not your fault non-Aryans just don't do it for you! Subjective ones like "no crazy bitches" are good too, because crazy bitches will go "oh, that means me, I'm a crazy bitch, I better not reply."

Don't be afraid to list disqualifications that describe yourself perfectly--just because you're overweight and 50 doesn't mean you should consider an overweight 50-year-old partner, you're simply not attracted to people like that and can't help it.

5) List all the things you demand in a partner like you're ordering a fucking pizza. "I'm seeking an 18-24 year old slim woman of Northern European ancestry with a humanities degree who's willing to relocate and has no baggage, and extra pepperoni." Make it clear that anyone with human variations and foibles is not what you ordered, and you will be asking for your $15 back.

6) Optionally, you can describe yourself a little bit. Do this like you've never even met yourself. In the vaguest of terms say that you're "successful" and/or "attractive," that you have a "sense of humor," and if you really want to get detailed you can list some activities you enjoy, like "having fun and hanging out."

Also, if there's anything about you that most people would consider a really basic expectation, like you're not homeless or you don't hit your partners, proudly declare that achievement like it's a Nobel Fucking Prize.

7) Mention that you have a cock/tits (and how large, to the quarter-inch) and make it clear that you are expecting sex. Letting things develop naturally is "game playing," so let everyone know upfront if they aren't putting out they needn't bother.

8) Optional: Mention that you are seeking marriage, and someone should not reply unless they're pretty sure that they want to marry you and have/sire your babies, because you're done "playing games."

9) The only thing to consider when selecting a picture is "does this image file contain some part of my body in it?" Unflattering? Out-of-focus? Mugshot-like? A decade old? Ex in the photo? Myspace angle? Dingy blank wall or huge pile of computer parts and beer cans in the background? Sweatpants? Don't even look at it, just verify that it's technically a picture of you and slap it on up there! Only shallow people care about appearances.

If you don't have a photo already, set the self-timer (with autoflash) and stand against a wall like it's your goddamn DMV picture. And the DMV lady told you not to smile.

10) Optional: Include a long rant about something that's important to you, like your political or religious opinions or your hatred of American Society These Days or an alternative medical or scientific theory you're really into. True, this doesn't directly speak to your prospective dates, but you're expressing yourself and that's your First Amendment right.

11) Consider reinforcing your home so that the throngs of love-mad suitors don't beat down your door.


  1. Funny. I just got linked this today:

    Seems like it matches what you just posted.

  2. Owen - Oh lord hahaha. I love how that guy's attempts to be In Control Of The Situation are completely undone by his own babbling. And then he starts speculating on how the only reason she didn't call back is maybe she's mentally ill.

    But hey, maybe that's just a neg, maybe he's challenging her to prove him wrong...Is it weird that I literally can't tell the difference between craziness and PUA philosophy.

  3. (random whatnot) consider coming to the TNG munch at the diesel on the 11th. here

  4. Cytenga - Thanks for the invitation! I will (almost) certainly be there!

  5. Wow. This reminds me of JonMon's approach to personal ads and dating.

    If you haven't heard about JonMon yet, ask Drew -- it's good knowledge to have if you're in the Boston area, and it's a fun story because he's SOOOO absolutely creepy.

  6. Oh, Jon-boy. What stories I can tell. And despite what he likes to think, it's not slander, because slander would mean it isn't all true.

  7. You'll have fun here. ;)

  8. Drew & Jack - I think I might have heard some of these stories before, but if you've got more, I always love a good crazy-person story.

    Ice- I already do! :)

  9. I once saw an ad looking for "someone who won't abandon me like my father did my mother." That's the pariphrasis of imperfect recollection, but it's not a summary -- she really was that blunt.

    Then again it was on Yahoo, the highest ratio of bad!crazy to not-crazy of any personals site I know of.

    Anyway, I would add: #) Make it clear that online dating is for losers and you're not the sort of person who does it, and you don't take this at all seriously.

    That may be covered by #1, though.

  10. Hershele - Ouch. My favorite crazy personal ad was a friend of mine who talked about how she was an atheist in her ad, which is a fine thing to just mention, but she went on for PAGES about how anyone who believes in ANYTHING is stupid and evil and atheists are a far superior form of humanity.

    And yeah, that's a good addition to #1. It's very important to establish that you're above all this.

  11. Also:

  12. Why Women Hate Men is making me realize that--you know those porn movies where the women are young and blonde and gorgeous and all the men have to do is show up with a functioning dick?--some people actually take that seriously.

  13. I love it even more when someone responds to an ad with "I'm your man. Tell me more about yourself."

    I already gave you a good several paragraphs, how about a SINGLE piece of information about yourself? Do you like dogs? Anything?

  14. Overweight and 50-
    Geeze, I should find another blog to read.

  15. Anon - The whole point is that overweight and 50 isn't a horrible thing, so maybe you shouldn't rule out partners who are the same as you. The problem isn't with a fat 50-year-old seeking dates, but a fat 50-year-old refusing to consider that other fat 50-year-olds are dateable.