Thursday, June 3, 2010

A useful tool.

One of the many ways that I can frame sex is that of being useful. I love the feeling of being useful to someone, of getting commands that I'm capable of and carrying them out. I don't think this is entirely a kinky thing either; I think it's more about regular fulfillment. It makes me really happy to be told "go to the store and get 2% milk and a loaf of bread" and to carry out that command obediently and correctly. I love the feeling of being a useful tool, a good doggie, of having earned a pat on the head.

...Okay, maybe it's a little bit of a kinky thing.

And sometimes, during sex, I want to be used just the same way. I know I'd get frustrated if it happened every time, but sometimes I like it when a guy just uses my body to get off. There are times that I've had sex and not even come (well, okay, I can count that on one hand) and I've loved it, because it wasn't about me coming, it was about him getting his pleasure and I was just there to help.

This is one of the areas where I have to draw a huge bold poorly-justified line between my kink and my feminism. Part of me should rankle at being told "wash the dishes and then get back in here and give me a blowjob," but the other part of me--the part that has sole custody of my vagina--is grinning and grabbing a sponge. I'm unsure whether I could sustain an entire relationship like this, because there are moments when I also want to be treated like a special little princess, but I like having the useful-tool aspect in a relationship at least.

I've admitted before that when I was a teenager, I used to fuck Kevin, then get out of bed and sleep on the floor because he didn't like sharing a single bed. What I'm sure I didn't admit is that I kinda liked it. Again, I think an entire relationship of floor-sleeping is fucked up (also, my back isn't fifteen anymore) but... I kinda liked it.

I'm no longer sure where I can draw the line and say "I want to do this, but not for real." Because I'll really wash your real dishes, and there isn't some secret getback where you wash mine. And more importantly, the intention really is that I'm not an equal, that I can be used for a man's convenience. I guess the only thing that makes it "not real" is when we both understand that we're ultimately doing this because I dig on it, not because it's the way of the world. If we understand that I'm being a kinky submissive, not just being a woman, I think we don't have to turn in our Feminist Cards.

Sometimes I want a boy to use my hair as a convenient blowjob handle because of the way it'll make my head feel, and sometimes I want it because of the way it'll make his dick feel. And sometimes, really, I don't even know the difference.


  1. I've been married 24 years to the same man. Sometimes I love to give him sex because he wants it. Sometimes he give me sex because I want it. Sometimes we do it because we both want to. Sometimes I have him a scotch and soda fixed when he walks in the door from work. Sometimes he takes me to dinner because I don't feel like cooking. That's called a relationship, give and take. There's not a thing wrong with it and if it's unfeminist to give without expecting reciprocity right that minute, so be it.

  2. If we understand that I'm being a kinky submissive, not just being a woman, I think we don't have to turn in our Feminist Cards.

    I think this pretty much sums it up. The problem, IME, comes up when guys don't understand that distinction.

    To make a totally non-sex-related analogy, some women really love to cook and will happily cook every single meal from scratch. If you're a person who likes home-cooked meals and you're involved with a woman like this, lucky you. But it's not reasonable to expect any woman you're involved with to do this just because she's female (and if it's that much of a deal-breaker, you should probably just end the relationship). I don't really care for cooking. I'll do it once in a while, but if you're expecting a full-course meal to be a regular occurrence, buddy, you're gonna be disappointed.

    People are individuals. A successful relationship involves two (or more) individuals who can work things out between themselves.

  3. Rootietoot - What I'm talking about isn't exactly give-and-take though; it really doesn't work out to 50%. I want a partner who is sometimes equal and greater, but never lesser. So it's not just "how a relationship works."

  4. *re-reading my comment, I think it's a lot of TL;DR that pretty much translates into 'not all women are submissives'.

  5. I could have written this - I am so there. I love that feeling of being used, of being there just to get someone off. Weirdly, although it is the intention not to do so, it actually gets me off more!

    It's really interesting to bring feminism into it, because there are a lot of things that I do in bed that would rankle me in real life as a feminist - like saying 'sir' to my boyfriend. Although in bed I really think all bets are off...

  6. I want to say something coherent and clever about relationships that contain both "useful tool" and "shiny preciousness" at some level all the time, but frankly I don't have the brains available right now.

    Please, if you would be so kind, take it as read that I have said something insightful, possibly involving hair-pulling.

  7. I used to wonder this exact thing; how I could balance being a submissive with being a feminist. Surely it's just not ok to hand over control to a man when we fought so hard to be in control of ourselves?

    But I have found the reality quite different. I am (though it doesn't look, sound or seem like it to anyone except my partner) owned. A pet. His pet. 100% under his control, 24/7. But what's happened is that my submission is, at the heart of it all, a gift I give to him; and he treats it as such. He cherishes me and my submission and is *so good* at reading me and anticipating my needs that he can tell when I want to be smacked around and when I want a footrub.

    I do get treated like a princess 90% of the time because he OWNS me. He doesn't need to treat me harshly to get what he wants, because he understands that a happy pet is an obedient one.

    I don't mean to wax lyrical about how awesome my relationship is, I'm just trying to draw a contrast between how I expected this sort of relationship would work and how it's worked out for me on reality. It's so indistinguishable from having a normal, doting boyfriend that I sometimes feel we're cheating at D/s.

  8. I would love for a woman to just use my body to get off.

  9. Well gosh, I've got a three-day weekend coming up...

  10. Here's how I see it: a feminist man will remember that you're a sentient being, listen to what you want, negotiate with you, and try to make sure everyone comes out happy rather than just assuming that you're at his disposal and he can treat you like shit.

    This applies whether a woman wants a back rub, a different split of household duties, or, y'know, to feel like she's at a guy's disposal and get treated like shit.

    I think it would be more of an equal rights issue if you asked a guy to dom you and he refused on the grounds that you must not really know what you want and he'd better protect you from those misguided urges in your pretty little head.

    Side note: although I'm purely a top, I like to feel like I did a sexual "task" properly, too. But it's less about feeling like a good doggie and more about feeling sexy and powerful because I've reduced my boy to a sobbing, convulsing wet heap. :D

  11. I think that the knowledge of the fact that (on all sides!) that "being treated as a tool" *IS YOUR CHOICE* and that *all* your choices are to be respected, etc. is enough for you not to have to worry about letting down your gender.

    Of course explaining that to nuance-insensitive people might be tricky.

    - Kara

  12. My actions at home are answerable to myself and my partner, but never my politics. It makes me even hornier that way.

  13. I meant, but never *to* my politics.

  14. It strikes me that being a sub and being a feminist is not necessarily contradictory, nor does it have to be "resolved." You can be both, simultaneously, blended together.

    Let me phrase it in a slightly different way: just as you can love someone without having sex with them, and have sex with someone without loving them, so too can you be submissive without jeopardizing your feminism... and feminist without jeopardizing your submission.

    But if you try and define it any farther than that, you start getting into trouble, because then you start looking for rules, guidelines, maxims: "When is it okay/not okay to be submissive?" The situation, I think, is too organic for any but the most basic of guidelines: "It is not okay to be submissive when it is not physically or psychologically healthy."

    I'm tempted to mention agency, but that opens up an entirely new can of worms about who truly holds the power in dom-sub relationships, what thresholds are involved, how much is agreed upon and how much is spontaneous, etc. Not going there!

  15. I think any argument about "who holds the power in d/s" (singular emphasised deliberately) are going to be too simplistic to be useful or interesting, myself, so indeed, a can best avoided.

  16. Plus one to Kara. It's really a much simpler situation than modern social-engineering "feminists" would have us believe: real feminism is the insistence that every woman must be free to make her own decisions about her own life. If you have the freedom to choose between a relationship where everything works out 50-50 and a relationship where it doesn't, then the feminist goal is met regardless of which you choose.

    The idea that you _must_ choose the 50-50 relationship? _That's_ an antifeminist position.

  17. Yeah, it reminds me of when people are surprised to find that a pro-choice woman has kids. That IS one of the choices!

    And like the difference between a ravishment scenario and an actual rape. Even when what i want sometimes is to be slapped in the face, it's pretty damn crucial that everyone involved understands that was chosen and consented to.


  18. If you just fell mindlessly into a position where you were serving your partner by default without any reciprocity, that wouldn't be sexy or healthy. But there's really this paradoxical Magic Eye thing in play here, where when you look directly and honestly at this dynamic it's magically no longer a problem.

    It takes a badass, self-possessed individual to be able to define and express what she (or he) wants from a sexual relationship. When you make your choices deliberately, your power remains intact. Social theory and consent make everything sexier. They're the non-PUA equivalent of bathing yourself in "alpha pheromones" or something.

  19. Cosign on loving the feeling of being used!