I was watching some BDSM porn lately where a guy was verbally humiliating a girl as he fucked her. As she started getting up to her "gonnacomegonnacome" faces and noises, he really ramped it up--you're a worthless fucktoy, you're only good for getting fucked, you're just a hole for me to use.
And all I could think was "aw, what a sweet guy, he's really doing all he can to make it good for her."
How do you (generic you) tell the difference between "performed" humiliation and just plain misogyny, though? (I imagine via interaction that's not in the moment, though then it becomes "how can you tell the difference between the sweet guy who performs as a humiliator and the misogynist who hides it outside of sex?")
ReplyDeleteThe "I despise the people I choose to have sex with" vibe is definitely where I get stuck, although at least in a BDSM context it's negotiated (the sort of "vanilla D/s" that can accompany normative gender roles, not so much.)
I imagine via interaction that's not in the moment, though then it becomes "how can you tell the difference between the sweet guy who performs as a humiliator and the misogynist who hides it outside of sex?"
ReplyDeleteIf you frame it that way, then no one is ever above suspicion... 'how can you tell the difference between the (sweet person) who performs as (Activity Performer) and the (not-sweet person) who hides it outside (That Activity)?' can be easily Mad-Lib'd as:
'how can you tell the difference between the sweet man who performs as (A Heroic Firefighter) and the (Dastardly Arsonist) who hides it outside (His Day Job)?' or
'how can you tell the difference between the sweet woman who performs as (A Gender-Equality Feminist) and the (Dour, Man-Hating Feminazi) who hides it outside (Her Blogging/Writing/Speaking/etc.)?'
'how can you tell the difference between the sweet transgendered person who performs as (A Generous Charitable Giver) and the (Transgendered Fiend Who Secretly Steals Candy From Babies) who hides it outside (The Transgendered Person's Known Charitable Giving)?'
The answer on one level is, you can't, because you can't disprove a negative; Holly may secretly hate sex, especially BDSM sex, and blogging about the same, and write this blog for some other reason (or, Holly's a 53-year-old bald guy named Steve). Personally, I doubt that.
On the more practical-interaction-between-human beings level, you've already answered your question: you look at interaction that's not in the moment. You look at the person, their history, their reputation (to use myself as an example, I've played with several women over the years; I don't think you could find one who wouldn't say [regardless of how good or bad the play was] that I was/am a caring, compassionate, gender-equality-supporting, nice guy), all of that.
And lastly, you look at the outcome of the play: was it fulfilling for the female bottom/submissive, physically and/or intellectually and/or emotionally? If so, then applying Occam's Razor may be in order: it's more likely that the guy just enjoys his BDSM and wants the woman to enjoy it too, than that the guy is actually a misogynist, believes women are deserving of degradation, and just happened to hook up with a woman who has no idea that he's actually a dastardly cad who wishes he could express his displeasure with her without expressly pleasuring her.
Jack - I am a 53-year-old bald guy named Steve. I... I didn't want you to find out this way.
ReplyDeleteJfpbookworm - The thing that struck me in this particular clip was the fact that even though the words the guy was saying sounded very cruel and selfish, he was very carefully syncing them up with her sexual responses because they were driving her over the edge. It was almost like a perverted version of kissing someone just as you see them getting there.
Fuuuuccccckkkk. I can't believe I gave a bald guy named Steve a Piranha Necklace. FML.
ReplyDeleteno no no, Holly is a 53 year old bald guy named *CHRIS*. Look at the April 1 post!
ReplyDeleteI gotta say, Holly, you look damn good for a 53-year-old bald guy named Steve (or Chris).
ReplyDeleteI don't think it's necessarily that hard to tell when a guy (or a girl, for that matter) is just using verbal humiliation as part of sex play vs. just being an asshole who can't express himself in other ways. Assholes generally find a way to express themselves.
Mind you, I still won't enjoy watching it, because verbal humiliation is so not my thing, but if it's in the context of a sex scene and both people are getting off on it, I don't see the problem. This attitude could be applied to pretty much every weird sex act, actually.
Cool - any chance you could give more details so I can track it down? I find it hard to find male Dom-female sub porn that doesn't leave me squicked about possible misogyny, etc. I know it's probably all fine in most of the stuff I've seen, but my mind just can't hack it.
ReplyDeleteHow do you (generic you) tell the difference between "performed" humiliation and just plain misogyny, though? (I imagine via interaction that's not in the moment, though then it becomes "how can you tell the difference between the sweet guy who performs as a humiliator and the misogynist who hides it outside of sex?"
ReplyDeleteIf you're a misogynist whose misogyny only comes out during consensual BDSM play with women who enjoys it, you're not much of a misogynist.