Sometimes I'm frustrated that I don't know exactly what I'm into. I have some general ideas on the physical stuff--biting yes please, paddling no thank you, clit stimulation no thank you, G-spot stimulation OHHH FUCK FUCCCKK AHHH--but a lot of the big questions are unanswered. Like, would I ever be okay with monogamy? Do I want a relationship with a for-reals power dynamic or just play? Do I ever want to be forced into things I really don't want, or do I want to keep it strictly on the "oh no, not the briar patch" level? Do I ultimately want to settle down with a house and kids and a picket fence? Do I enjoy switching ever? Would I enjoy performing purely nonsexual service? How serious a relationship do I want at this point in my life, or do I prefer being single?
And the answer is not, I think, that I need to navel-gaze until I answer these things. The answer is "well, with whom?" Because it's no use thinking too hard about what I'd do with a faceless gray box of a partner who dropped out of the sky on me. In reality, every relationship I've had has developed a different dynamic, and one that was different from all my partner's previous relationships as well. Chemistry isn't about the elements that just sit there; it's about the reactions, and I can never predict what those will be. (Which is why I flunked out of pre-med.) What I want in a relationship is a moot point--I won't know until I find out what I want in a relationship with Joe.
I feel like some people approach dating with an idea of what they want, and the question they want to answer is "how close is this person to what I'm looking for?" I don't. The only question I have is "do I like this person?", because the way in which I like them has to reach its own equilibrium.
All I know is how I want to feel.
ReplyDeleteExactly. So many people have the goal of "getting married" or "getting a girlfriend" without realizing how ultimately insulting that is, as if all people are interchangeable and merely here to satisfy whatever role one needs them to fill.
ReplyDeleteMaybe you'll find a partner with whom an open relationship is fulfilling for both of you. Maybe you'll meet someone that you don't mind being monogamous with. Who knows? That's the fun part about life, really.
I don't think it is insulting - I think a lot of people have bought into the idea of "The One" without really thinking about it. I don't think it is a bad thing to have an idea of what your relationship goals are - whether you'd be open to marriage or monogamy or children or a less conventional relationship arrangement.
ReplyDeletePeople engage in relationships because they both have needs - physical needs, emotional needs and so on - there is nothing demeaning about that (unless I suppose being demeaned is one of your needs :-P)
This doesn't mean you shouldn't be open to negotiation - but you should have an idea of your relationship deal-breakers and your relationship expectations.
Exactly. So many people have the goal of "getting married" or "getting a girlfriend" without realizing how ultimately insulting that is, as if all people are interchangeable and merely here to satisfy whatever role one needs them to fill.
ReplyDeleteOH MY GOD THIS.
When I was nineteen or so, my boyfriend broke up with me. The relationship was good; we were in love; I wanted (in my naive young way) to be with him forever and ever. But his goal was to "be married by age 25" and I was against marriage on principle, so he left. I guess he preferred to go find some random idiot who wanted that official piece of paper as much as he did, whether she cared about him or not.
It's fucking chilling when a single person declares an intention to get married by a certain age. I think all (okay, most) people deserve someone who truly loves and wants to be with them. A person with marriage goals is a person who'll look over at the guy or girl they've been seeing for the past six months - a person they get along with, but may not remotely love, respect, or lust after - and say "Yeah. You'll do."