Monday, February 11, 2008

Cosmocking: March '08.

This issue has the word "va-jay-jay" on the cover. Urgh. Can we just say "cunt" like grownups? (Okay, that's maybe not so grownup. But can we say "vagina"? I bet they actually wouldn't put "vagina" on the cover.) I'm not sure who the cover model is but she looks like the love child of Xanax and photoshop.

The main sex article is billed as "21 Naughty Sex Tips" on the cover and table of contents but "Bad-Girl Sex Tips" at the top of the article. Cosmo does this a lot and I know it's a minor thing but it really bugs me. Not all the pages are numbered so this makes it really hard to find a specific article. Worsening the problem is the fact that there aren't actually 21 tips in the article, there's like six. But this isn't my Incompetent Magazine Editing blog, so let's go on to the bizarre sex advice...

A hard-bristled hairbrush is perfect for gently scratching his skin.
Okay, let's pretend I'm game for once, I just grabbed the hairbrush that was on my desk and I'm going to try this. Ergh, okay. That was actually more satisfying than I expected, but I'd be freaked to hell if someone else did it to me. Also it left really weird marks and now that a few seconds have passed it's starting to itch.

Rolling Pin: Run this baker's basic over his back and thighs during an erotic massage.
This is phenomenally stupid but I can't focus on snarking it because my hairbrushed arm is burning and I'm afraid it's going to break out in hives or something. I have to go wash now.

Try no-fail lines like "You make me [adjective]"; "I love it when you [verb] my [body part]"; "I need your [noun] on my [body part]."
"You make me grotesque. I love it when you exfoliate my trachea. I need your frisbee on my pancreas."

The next article is entitled "6 Ways to Train Your Boyfriend," with advice from animal trainers on how to provide positive reinforcement and use a soothing tone of voice and ignore poor behaviors. Jesus Fuckin' Christ. I can't even... Jesus... I can't deal with this.

Then we have "Have Orgasms More Easily," not advice I really need, but let's take a look.

Pay attention to your body and mind right before you climax--where you're touching, how much pressure you're applying, which muscles tense up.
Are there people out there who have such cruddy sex that they're able to do this? I know this article isn't aimed at me but I barely know my own name when I'm about to come, let alone having a yoga-like focus on my muscle tensions.

Masturbating just to the brink--but not allowing yourself to peak--ensures that you'll be bursting at the orgasmic seams by the time your man walks through the door.
Foreplay: no longer a man's problem. (Also, if you come 30 seconds into the sex and you're not good at multiple orgasms, the rest of it is gonna kinda suck.)

Worrying about when you're going to climax takes you out of the moment. Try instead to focus on physical sensations.

There's an article on how to judge a man's personality and sexual abilities from the kind of drink he orders. It's all pretty literal stuff--a shot means he's impetuous, a beer means he's traditional, a Jack and Coke means he's macho, and so on. I know this is just fluff and filler (well, so is all of Cosmo), but sheesh, it's really dumb. Men have exactly one dimension to their personalities and everything they do will fit a single theme!

It occurs to me that the makeup and fashion tips could be bullshit too, but since I'm a "soap, water, t-shirt, jeans" girl I have no frame of reference. It does bother me that they always have at least one article on "dress to minimize your flaws" with sections for giant shirts if you have a belly, floofy skirts if you have an ass, and so on. I don't like the idea of dressing myself with "what's my ugliest feature?" as my first concern.

"Cosmo's Ultimate Guide to Your Va-jay-jay" is actually a fairly responsibly written (except for that word) Remedial Women's Health 101, but it's still Cosmo.

It's not a black hole. A lot of women worry that tampons and other items can become "lost" in the vagina, eventually making their way into the uterus.
The frightening part here is that the only way you could think this is if you've never once stuck your finger in your vagina. Maybe some women's are longer than mine, but when I'm not aroused I can feel my cervix. It's really, really obvious that this is the end and ain't nothing going further than that.

I've in heard various places that some women really don't ever finger themselves. Planned Parenthood's sex ed materials mention "you will have to stick your fingers in your vagina" as a drawback to some birth control methods. Apparently some women... it's one of those things I won't get. I mean, my vagina is with me all the time, and so are my fingers, it's sort of an obvious thing to do. It'd be like someone saying they've never in their entire life put their finger in their ear.

There probably are freaky prissy people who haven't. I don't wanna know.

Wash your vulva once a day.
People need to be told this? Urgh.

There are some design flaws... If your clitoris were inside your vagina rather than between your outer lips, your guy would be able to stimulate it during sex with his penis.
And since the men I date have no hands, toys, or pubic bones, this is a real big problem. (Actually, I personally get off on penetration and not clit stimulation, but I'm just saying.)

When you're between waxing appointments and want to neaten up down below... [blah blah pube-trimming blah]
I'm freaked as hell that they assume all their readers wax.

I leave you on this charming thought:
Females are more likely than males to insist on kissing before, during, and after sex... In fact, males would be happy to have sex without smooching.


  1. My boyfriend kisses me plenty during sex. He kisses me during foreplay and during sex and after sex. Which isn't to say that I don't kiss him a lot before/during/after sex, but he kisses me his fair share too.

    And damn but I like it. A lot, actually.

  2. Karyn - Ditto here. Both of my boyfriends love to kiss me during sex, no "insisting" necessary.

    It's awesome. :)

  3. You make me grotesque. I love it when you exfoliate my trachea. I need your frisbee on my pancreas.

    *loves you*

    I was really hoping you'd post something about this; after reading the animal training article, I was too busy sputtering incoherently to do it myself.

  4. Aebhel - Well, my commentary on that article doesn't amount to much more than typed sputtering.

    Can you imagine a men's magazine running an equivalent article about women? "Only show her affection when she does something nice, like gives you oral sex or cooks for you; simply ignore her when she displays unpleasing behaviors."

  5. P.S. - Got the new Cosmo today (because I'm a ho). The girl on the cover is Rihanna, popstar and bag-of-skank extraordinare.

  6. The vagina is a birth canal, which is not what I consider to be the highlight of my girl parts. In fact I'm annoyed that they call it "The Vagina Monologues" and will boycott seeing it until the rename it "Cunt Roll Call."

  7. "There probably are freaky prissy people who haven't. I don't wanna know."

    It took me 20 years to work up the courage to get a finger in my own ass... then almost 2 years further to actually work up the courage to see if that could go anywhere.

    And oh boy did it :3

    "Females are more likely than males to insist on kissing before, during, and after sex... In fact, males would be happy to have sex without smooching."

    Well I *would* be happy to have sex without smooching. That's like saying I'm happy to have a hotdog without relish. I'm not going to have a hotdog and be all, "OH MY GOD YOU'RE OUT OF RELISH? HOW DARE YOU!" And making out in the middle of doggy-style isn't easy.

    Also this may just be me, but if my girl or I have a cold or something, well, that's no STI and I use condoms anyways, no reason to avoid having sex. But I may not be interested in extensive making out. Also also, having sex but not letting yourself kiss your partner is an interesting experience. Also also also, try this one just for fun: your partner has to try to get you to kiss them by kissing you. NOT kissing back is one of the hardest things I've ever had to do from a will-power standpoint.

  8. When we were kids, I had the following discussion with a person very dear to me [and who knows my internet identity, so this will have to be anonymous]:

    Me: Come on, everybody picks their nose when no-one's watching!
    She: No! I don't! It's gross!
    Me: So what do you do when you have a stuffy nose and can't sneeze it clean?
    She: I take a piece of toilet paper, roll it up into a stick, and clean my nose with that!

    She grew up to find tampons with applicators really convenient, while I loathe them, so there's a pattern here.

  9. I've never /successfully/ put anything in my vagina.
    I've tried many times to put either a finger or tampon in there and it just won't have it, it is not chute where things slide in and out, more like a solid wall, I might as well be trying to penetrate my belly button.

  10. I just tried this and I can't feel my cervix with my finger. I looked it up and it said the distance is usually 3-4 inches unaroused but can be up to 5-7 inches

  11. I like that at this point you didn't know who Rihanna was since you came to a point where you were discussing her use of imitation kink and her role in making it seem like something you wear as opposed to something you do. Oh, to have back the innocence of 2008.