I have indiscreetly placed obvious bitemarks. Not nibbles. Heavily bruised CHOMPS. I have work soon. I'm doing my best with clothes and makeup, but I'm still not certain whether "I was helping a friend move [his human jaw collection?]", "it's none of your business [that I'm being horribly abused?]" or "it's none of your business *wink* [ewwww?]."
Probably A. I don't like lying when I haven't even done anything wrong, but I also don't like long awkward job-endangering "no, actually things are going GREAT at home" conversations.
You were helping a friend move his German Shepherd collection?ReplyDelete
What about you were hanging out with a kid who had a temper tantrum?ReplyDelete
Have you tried offering statements that are so patently false that nobody could possibly believe them? Like "Oh, there was an attack of rapid weasels. You know how it goes.ReplyDelete
At what level do your coworkers (even if are mandatory reporters) begin to have an issue that "I'm fine" can't resolve, given that you're an adult? I am skeptical of the Big Bad Transgressive Kink(tm) element being labeled suspected abuse, given that you might have marks from consensual contact, bitey psych-hold patients, or from an incident simulation for training purposes. ER chomps are not rare.ReplyDelete
I'd go with kid having a fit. my cousin was having a tantrum and left a huge bruise on my shoulder once from biting it. last time I held him >.<ReplyDelete
Obviously I don't know your coworkers or work atmosphere, but the places I worked C would have been the way to go to avoid both further conversation and job endangerment.ReplyDelete
If folks ask, tell them that you're slightly hypertonic (result of your disability, blah blah blah, people usually walk away at that point), and that you enjoy deep tissue massage and cupping, and you sometimes end up with bruises.ReplyDelete
If that fails, tell them it was the fast weasels.
If that fails, burka.
And you might, in the future, consider using a little bit of discretion, instead of wantonly hurling any available body part into any sort of jaws that just happen to be wandering the neighborhood. Take some personal responsibility, dammit.
I was saved by a totally unsuspicious long-sleeved high-collared shirt and the fact that no one really cares that much.ReplyDelete
Eurosabra - If I'd been bitten by a patient (or in training?!? We don't really bite in training!) that would be a major incident and I would have to report it.
Jack - I actually do have legit muscle problems (hence my constant craving of backrubbery), but let's go with weasels. Big mean hairy weasels.
@Holly: "Fight with a monkey." Works every time.ReplyDelete
Big, mean, hairy weasel; okay. Rapid -- less so.ReplyDelete
Over short distances, perhaps.
I always said "It was a gift." and let people puzzle it out themselves.ReplyDelete
One of my martial arts partners gave me the most amazing set of four-finger-and-thumb arm bruises, both sides, when I was trying to teach him the yonkyo wrist lock.ReplyDelete
When these generated some workplace comments I said, "You should see *his* arms" and grinned. But my co-workers know I do martial arts. Maybe you could adopt that as a cover story?...no, bites are a bit out of line even on the mat.
I could probably say "Love bites" but I have an unusually good work environment, and they know me rather well.
It's all very well to say "Get bit where it won't show" but sometimes spontaneity happens. I had no idea those yonkyos would look so melodramatic. The senior student who actually knew how to do it left tiny, almost invisible blue spots on the actual nerve point, but gosh, those hurt ten times as much as the big blue-brown handprints.
Let's face it, Holly -- you just hang out with the wrong sort of people. Stop inviting random freaks back to look at your etchings and this kind of thing won't happen so often.ReplyDelete
I had a fungal infection on my neck (for 6 months, took 3 months of pills and 4 different creams to cure) that looked exactly like hickies.
Not that anyone believed that it wasn't hickies.
I once had a coworker come up and poke a bite-mark-bruise on my arm and ask what it was from with a knowing look. I kind of laughed awkwardly and said "It's the funniest thing, I have all these bruises! And they're all in pairs! I can't imagine where I got them!"ReplyDelete
I'm so thankful I work someplace where I can be out about my kink, because I'm awkward enough as it is. I can't imagine how ridiculous I'd feel if I had to come up with believable excuses.
Yum... I frequently end up with huge bruises on my upper arms, and I've been practicing various lines in case a coworker notices. Hoop tricks, learning to spin poi, acrobatic tumbling? Mr. Dom suggested I just say "I'm a primitivist."ReplyDelete