Wednesday, February 6, 2008

'Tis Better.

Nearly all of my sexual fantasies are about giving pleasure. I imagine I'm feeling pain or nothing for the sake of pleasing a demanding but appreciative partner. He or she comes a million times, loudly and enthusiastically; if I come at all it's forced on me and it's painful. I imagine having things done to my pussy and ass that make them tighter and more pleasing but at the expense of making the sex horribly painful to me. (Meanwhile, of course, I'm giving myself entirely self-centered, not at all painful stimulation, but I don't really think about that.)

In my actual real-world sex life, it's not really like that. I enjoy giving, but I give and get in roughly equal amounts, and I like the getting too. The only caveat is that I can't stand to accept pleasure selfishly. I always want to know that my partner is hard and horny when he's licking or fingering me--not to flatter myself but just to be reassured that I'm not imposing.

Some of this is personal to me; I have an assload of sexual insecurity that's relieved when I feel I'm being generous in bed. (Actually, come to think of it, that thought isn't so personal as I know a lot of other people feel the same way. Including most of my partners, which has led to a lot of frustratingly circular "I want to do what you want!" negotiations.)

But it's not just insecurity. The other reason is that I can have an orgasm on my own. What I can't do on my own is watch a man have an orgasm from skin-on-skin distance, feeling his muscles contract, hearing the sounds he makes, watching his eyes or his face or his cock as he completely loses himself in the pleasure I'm giving him. That, not orgasms or penetration, is an experience I can't get anywhere else.

And it's goddamn beautiful.


  1. I know this post is ancient, but I had to comment because I'm the exact same way, right on down to only having unwanted orgasms in my fantasies. Also, blowjobs are undoubtedly my favorite part of porn. I used to think this was kinda fucked up, like I'd been Brainwashed by the Patriarchy.

    But the thing is, even though I'm not experiencing pleasure *in my fantasies*, they actually bring me a lot of sexyhappytimes in real life, like you. And I figured this just makes me an awesome sex partner, so it's all good.

  2. I feel similar. I guess I just have this huge craving to know that I am desired and that I am good at giving pleasure. As a person, I am a huge accommodator and not just in regards to sex. I always have to make sure everything is okay for everyone else before I think about myself and I take great joy in pleasing other people.

    I'm different in that I do like to orgasm and would like for the give and take to be equal. But if it's not I won't have a fit about it.