I'm in an easy-target mood again.
4 Things He Doesn't Dare Tell You
1. He has a stash of porn.
I know what you're thinking: "Not my man."
That's not what I'm thinking! I'm thinking about my first date with Jon, which ended with me sitting on his lap watching bondage porn until I turned around and said "let's try that." Brandon doesn't watch porn with me, but it's no big secret that he owns it. Boy's gotta jerk off to something, right?
2. He wants more oral sex.
Again, what's the big secret? Either of my guys is pretty comfortable saying "I want a blowjob," and I'm pretty comfortable saying "lie back and unzip, baby" or (very rarely) "sorry, not right now." It's a thing couples do, it's not like some horrible dark taboo.
Men are simple creatures with three basic needs: food, shelter, and blow jobs.
I know this line is a joke, but god damn it's also ravingly offensive. Men are human goddamn beings, Cosmo.
"I'm afraid that making that request would probably be the end not only of oral sex but of all sex," says Eric from New York City
Eric? Your girlfriend is a crazy bitch. (Not for refusing oral sex, but cutting him off just for asking...!?!?!) Or at least you think she is.
3. He hates it when you're more successful than he is.
Well fuck him then.
4. He's more loyal to you than he is to his buddies.
I'm not sure what to make of this one, because... seems like both guys are loyal to both me and to their male friends, and we aren't really in competition. If they say "sorry, I'm going out with friends that night," I say "okay, how 'bout Saturday?" I'm not really interested in winning them away from their friends.
14 Sex Moves You've Never Heard Of
I heard of most of these in the sixth grade.
Put a dollop of, say, peanut butter on an area where you'd like to be licked (avoiding your genitals).
God ew. I've never been into foodsex, but even if I were... peanut butter? It's sticky, oily, and frankly kinda poo-looking. Erotic!
Heat up some massage oil, and put it into a turkey baster.
OH GOD WHAT THE HELL AUGH. (Actually, I'm taking this out of context, they just want you to drip it on his skin. But I can't imagine approaching a guy--even Jon--hell, even Dan, and he owns dildos you could use in industrial construction--with a turkey baster full of oil and getting a good reaction.)
Start by stacking six scrunchies on top of each other over his package. "Then remove them one by one using your lips and tongue," says St. Claire. "As each piece is removed, it releases a little bit of pressure in his penis, which will make his orgasm more intense when it happens.
Holy crap, the sight of a guy's cock completely covered in frilly floofy scrunchy-stuff would be hilarious. Don't think I could stack up six of them very well though even if he could keep it hard while laughing.
Mix up your usual oral sex routine by having him take his above-the-neck technique below the belt... He can tickle the area with his tongue, wiggle it in a circular motion from top to bottom, and gently suck the skin.
Wait, so the entire concept of cunnilingus is a "Sex Move You've Never Heard Of"? Jesus, Cosmo.
"While giving him oral sex, slide a finger into your mouth and tickle his penis at the same time you're stimulating him with your lips and tongue,"
Huh? What? Have you ever given oral sex in your life? How big is your mouth? How small is his penis? Why don't you have a gag reflex? Or teeth?
During intercourse, you're all wrapped up in each other. So extend that carnal concept even further by literally tying yourselves together. Take a really long piece of sturdy plastic wrap (long enough to fit around your body about eight times). Then fold it in half, twist it into a long rope that fits snuggly around both of your bodies twice, and secure it with a knot at your waist so you're locked together.
what the fuck
Keep a paddlebrush, a soft scarf, and a baseball (yes, a baseball) on your bedside table. While he's on top, alternate between scratching his back and butt with the bristles of the brush, stroking him with the scarf, and rolling the baseball over his skin.
what the FUCK
For a postpassion wrap up, set up an instant-messenger account with a secret name, and tell your man to be online at a certain time. Then send him a message -- pretending to be a sexy stranger -- and recount all the dirty details of your last rendezvous together. "Not only are you confirming how amazing your sex life is, but it's also a form of exhibitionism as you brag about your sexual escapades to a 'stranger,' "
I know a better way to brag about my sexual escapades to strangers. :)