-It was really sweet that you shaved your pubes! I didn't even ask, but you said "Well, you do it," and I admire your willingness to be gender-blind in this matter. You look good that way, it feels good, and it makes me feel like less of a Slave to the Patriarchy for having my own shaved.
-Can you please not shave your head? Your theory on haircuts seems to be "buzz it down to the skull, wait two months, repeat." I understand that this method is low-maintenence and results in a reasonable average hair length, but you look like a crazy skinhead mountain man every two months.
-Can you please shave the parts of your beard that don't work? The front bit where it grows in thick, the goatee, that part's nice. But the side bits, where it goes up your cheeks in sad patches and tufts? That is not appealing. If your face does not want to make beard, please don't try to force it.
-Can I shave your entire body?